Monthly Archives: August 2013

tentang lilin kecil

 

Setiap tanggal 29 Agustus ketika gw dihadapkan dengan kue ultah yang ditancapkan beberapa lilin-lilin kecil kurus namun warna-warni, setiap itu juga sebuah pertanyaan yang sama selalu muncul di kepala gw. Pertanyaan yang sama sejak gw kecil. Pertanyaan bodoh yang gak pernah gw lemparkan ke orang lain, hanya disimpan sendiri, tanpa sekalipun berhasil menemukan jawabnya.

Nyala api yang berkilau mungil, yang sedikit bergerak ke kanan ke kiri karena tepukan beberapa orang  mengiringi nyanyian ritual ulang tahun, yang memaksa gw untuk harus meniupnya ketika nyanyian dan semua tepuk tangan berhenti. Kilau api mungil yang harus ditiup sampai mati. Kenapa harus ditiup? Apa artinya ketika semua sumbu lilin itu tidak lagi menyala? Apakah itu adalah syarat supaya semua harapan yang kita inginkan dan do’a yang kita panjatkan akan menjadi nyata? Atau hanya karena semata-mata nyanyian sudah selesai, sehingga tidak perlu lagi ada kilau kecil di atas kue? Atau mungkin memang harus segera ditiup supaya lelehan lilin tidak mengotori permukaan kue? Kalau begitu, kenapa harus dipasangi lilin?
Dulu, Oca kecil selalu bertanya: lilinnya sudah bagus menyala, kilaunya seperti kilau bintang, tapi kenapa harus ditiup mati? Pertanyaan yang terus berulang seiring tahun berganti. Sampai saat kemarin berulang tahun, ketika harus meniup lilin di kue pertama gw, kue kedua, kue ketiga dan kue keempat. Empat kue dengan satu pertanyaan yang sama. Pertanyaan yang itu-itu saja.

Padahal menurut gw sebenarnya biarkan saja lilin-lilin itu menyala sampai nanti akan meleleh habis dan kilaunya otomatis mati. Persis seperti umur kita yang semakin menipis setiap tahun. Biarkan saja, gak perlu kita padamkan di tengah jalan… toh nanti juga akan mati.. sendiri.

Setiap pertanyaan memang tidak selalu harus memiliki jawaban. Biarkan pertanyaan itu tetap kekal dan selalu menetap bersamaan dengan nyala api kecil yang selalu meminjamkan kilaunya sebentar sebagai pengantar kalimat ‘make a wish’.. dan tentunya gw hanya bisa tersenyum ketika kilau itu mati, kemudian mulai mengira-ngira jangan-jangan bara yang tertinggal di ujung sumbu itu adalah simbolis untuk mengatakan: may all your wishes and dreams come true. Oh, somebody please shut my mind off.

 

#lv

‘standing in the light of your halo
i got my angel now
..
pray it won’t fade away’

simple questions

what do i have to lose?
life is really too short to have regrets
but life is life
am i prepared to deal with it?
every year, when i reflect on all the things that happened and what i’m doing now versus what i thought i would be doing, i always questioning
how do i normally feel?
do i feel better?
do i cry?
do i feel that i am doing something i love?
do i make people happy?
did i just hurt someone?
does it matter?
etc
when i plan my steps for a year ahead, go into it owning all my past experiences and making plans so that next year will be better than the last, full of more joy and less suffer, believing that somehow i can make this world a better place
very idealistic huh? or naive?
the answer is up to me
i have choices along my path
be prepared for the twists and turns ahead
welcoming the challenges and rejoice in what’s going on
and those turn in the road define me
i learn best from mistakes and failures and how i handle those hurdles
yeah, expecting them is not a pessimistic perspective to me
it’s accepting the inevitable and preparing myself to be ready for everything
that’s what you called in ‘wudhu’ condition
welcoming failure is not sadistic, but rather indicative of a healthy perspective that i can learn from that and it will make me and my adventure better
so i think i have to strap on my seat belt again and welcome the future
and i know for sure that it will be different than what i think
some pops up along the way
but the most important thing to me is i must understand that my day, my moment is a road that can be smooth, then bumpy
this perspective is vital for being prepared to handle the future and in addition to being able to enjoy the ride as i’m on it
so, dear me.. are you ready to take your another first step?
i am!

thanks..

#lv

what a lovely surprise
welcome back home #lv
i’m so very happy
with our bit by bit
and the confessions
a true confession

 

 

bedtime moments

I know it’s past midnight over there, the silent city that all you can hear only your heart beating and the small waves from the bay slapping gently on the shore.. but before you sleep let me share my top five bedtime playlist tonight, here we go:

1. Maybe I’m Amazed – Jem
2. More – Harry Connick, Jr
3. Jus Right – Robin Thicke
4. If You Leave Me Now – Ive Mendes
5. El Ciego (The Blind) – Charlie Haden

Sleep tight, see you in dreams.. anyways, wishing you all the best thing in life, enjoy the moments, #lv moments.

Q&A

And this, yours.

  1. Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now? The way she looks at me
  2. What on your body is hurting or bothering you? My neck….haven’t had a massage for some time and dying for one
  3. What was your last thought before going to bed last night? Every inch of her face
  4. What are you listening to? Birds chipping away, droplets from after rain
  5. What’s something you’re not looking forward to? Going far away and only returning towards end of the month as its too long from seeing her again
  6. Where do you think your best friend is right now? In some pub enjoying happy hour
  7. Have you kissed anybody in the last 5 days? Nope. Its been far too long and have to wait longer….sigh
  8. Sex on the first date? Not really my style
  9. Kiss on the first date? All about chemistry. If its there, the kiss will be too
  10. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Absolutely yes
  11. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? Yeap. I think. I hope. Guess I am.
  12. Is there something you would like to say to someone? ”I miss looking into you”
  13. What are three things you did today? Thought about her looking at me, thought about that first time our lips met and thought about what to cook for her one day soon.
  14. Would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over? Both works for me
  15. What is your favorite kind of gum? Don’t really like em
  16. Are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends? Same answer a wise woman once mentioned… ‘elaborate the word friends please..’
  17. What is on your wrists right now? My watch
  18. Ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? Been there
  19. Does anyone have strong feelings for you? If there is, i would like to hear them tell me
  20. Are you slowly drifting away from someone? Yes i am….hopefully faster
  21. Have you ever wasted your time on someone? Nope. Whoever I have been with made me the person I am which leads me to the people i know now.
  22. Can you do the alphabet in sign language? A strange question this is.
  23. How have you felt today? Floating, wondering…
  24. You receive $60 without any reason, what do you spend it on? Will give it to Jakarta guardian
  25. What is wrong with you right now? Nothing is wrong
  26. Is there anyone you’re really disappointed in? Yeah…some of my boys
  27. Would you rather have Starbucks or Jamba Juice right now? Neither
  28. Why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore? Because she is my ‘ex’
  29. How late did you stay up last night and why? 3am. Mind was in bed with her.
  30. When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Wow, 3 weeks ago.
  31. What were you doing an hour ago? Sleeping in the car on the way to airport
  32. What are you looking forward to in the next month? Time with her and deciding ‘to move or to stay’. Need to decide to move on.
  33. Are you wearing jeans right now? Yes i am
  34. Are you a patient person? I think i am. But if am driving on the road, am not.
  35. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? Take 2 hands to clap
  36. Favorite color? Black
  37. Did you have a dream last night? Mind got so tired visualizing something wild till i blacked out in my dream time.
  38. Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? Jeans with a black polo tshirt
  39. If someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be? My virgo
  40. Do you love anyone who is not related to you? No comment
  41. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Yes i do
  42. Do you like meeting new people? Always.
  43. Are you afraid of falling in love? Been burnt….so yeah.
  44. Ever liked someone older than you? Since kindergarden
  45. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? me, pretty eyes?
  46. Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Yes it haunts me now and then
  47. What is your expectation right now? To perform well in meeting with the big guns.
  48. Can you tell us about yourself? I live each day like its my last with no regrets. I try to make the most of what is there and along the way, don’t hurt anyone.
  49. Who is the perfect person in this world? Nobody’s perfect
  50. Mars or Venus? #LV … I liked her answer so am gonna use the same.

 

crave you

like the song, surely gonna be my soundtrack tonight #lv

please forgive..

.. and do we truly forgive another? or is it  just because tomorrow’s special day forces us to forgive? dear friends, please forgive because your heart asks you to do so

mohon maaf lahir dan batin, happy eid mubarak everyone!

weirdly romantic

the best scene in 2 Days in Paris, Julie Delpy directed the film, wrote the script and starred.. she’s awesome! how i love the script, especially in this scene.

Q&A

Can’t sleep. Something in mind. So i browse. Everywhere, anything. Trying to find another distraction from my current sweetest distraction. Look what i got. A q&a list, from tumblr. Let’s give it a try. Seems fun. And i’m trying to be honest here. Ok, let’s start. 

  1. Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now? my instinct
  2. What on your body is hurting or bothering you? my neck, wrong sleep position last night
  3. What was your last thought before going to bed last night? his name
  4. What are you listening to? right now? katie melua song: no fear of heights
  5. What’s something you’re not looking forward to? sad and bad news  
  6. Where do you think your best friend is right now? in my mind
  7. Have you kissed anybody in the last 5 days? yes. of course!
  8. Sex on the first date? hmm.. my dad will kill me then
  9. Kiss on the first date? could be, depends on the person
  10. Is there one person you want to be with right now? yes yes yessss!
  11. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? maybe
  12. Is there something you would like to say to someone? yea: i miss you like hell
  13. What are three things you did today? thinking, thinking and thinking
  14. Would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over? can’t decide
  15. What is your favorite kind of gum? chewing gum is the best
  16. Are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends? elaborate the word friends please..
  17. What is on your wrists right now? nothing, just skin, naked wrists
  18. Ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? yea..
  19. Does anyone have strong feelings for you? i dunno, how do i know
  20. Are you slowly drifting away from someone? depends
  21. Have you ever wasted your time on someone? yea, i had
  22. Can you do the alphabet in sign language? only to say i love you, yes
  23. How have you felt today? have beautiful feelings yet painful
  24. You receive $60 without any reason, what do you spend it on? wont spend it, will give it to other people who need it the most
  25. What is wrong with you right now? everything is wrong yet so right
  26. Is there anyone you’re really disappointed in? yea, someone.. maybe
  27. Would you rather have Starbucks or Jamba Juice right now? neither
  28. Why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore? why??? oh please, don’t be stupid!
  29. How late did you stay up last night and why? until 5am, thinking everything til nothing
  30. When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? yesterday
  31. What were you doing an hour ago? escape in a digital world, was touching the keyboards, made love to the screen, like now
  32. What are you looking forward to in the next month? a new business, new accounts, bigger profits
  33. Are you wearing jeans right now? are you crazy, wearing jeans at this hour on the bed? no
  34. Are you a patient person? some closest friends said yes, but i’m not so sure
  35. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? yea, who knows?
  36. Favorite color? always black
  37. Did you have a dream last night? yea, as always
  38. Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? tanktop + shorts
  39. If someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be? hmm.. my 8ball
  40. Do you love anyone who is not related to you? tough one, can’t answer
  41. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? yea, it’s a free country
  42. Do you like meeting new people? for some reasons, yes.. sometimes
  43. Are you afraid of falling in love? a bit
  44. Ever liked someone older than you? hahahahaaa… absolutely laaa..
  45. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? hmm
  46. Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? most of the time, i’m a perfectionist, that’s annoying sometimes
  47. What is your expectation right now? rainy night with him beside me
  48. Can you tell us about yourself? beautiful people do not just happen
  49. Who is the perfect person in this world? nobody’s perfect
  50. Mars or Venus? #LV :)
That’s it? Oh my, i still can’t sleep.
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